Absent Fathers

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Permalink Reply by shannon on April 14, 2009 at 12:39pm

My parents split sometime between my age of 1 or 2. I might never know, they can't agree on which story is the right one. I was told growing up that they split because they stopped getting along. Then the answer was my Dad cheated. All these different things and I still don't know the whole story.

When I was 3 my Dad married the most evil woman ever to walk the Earth. After 10 years and 2 kids with her he finally left. When I asked him why he stuck it out with her for so long, he said that he didn't want to have more kids that he only got to see on the weekends, and that it wasn't fair to them. Are you kidding me? So what am I then? A fucking rough draft for you to practice being a Dad on? What about what was fair to me? He made me come visit him and endure years of mental abuse from my Step-Mom. Because of that bitch I had low self esteem for years (and still do).

I have very little respect for my father, and we never talk unless I call. One time I didn't call him for two months and then he called when he heard that we were getting a hurricane in Florida. He just called to make sure I was alive. Ugh...maybe I'm being too hard on him, but whatever. I guess I just need to try and be the best parent I can be for my daughter.

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Permalink Reply by Dave H. on April 14, 2009 at 2:37pm

Hi Kit, Shannon, I feel for you both, but as a father I know there are two sides to every story - I went through the separation and divorce when my kids were 11 and 8, they lived with me for the first 6 months or so because their mother walked out on us, then she decided they should live with her - I now know because her lawyer told her she'd lose out financially otherwise - I agreed, as she promised there would be no hassles over access to them, and knowing they and I were very close and could stand the short separations.

Hard as you may find it to believe, within a month she was preventing me from seeing 'em and it was (and is) incredibly difficult for a father to enforce a verbal agreement regarding access to his kids!

On the grounds that they were living with her and that she wouldn't move away she got full custody (against their wishes) and about all of our assets, waited until the appeal period had passed so I couldn't go back to court, then announced that she was moving them away from me, their family, schools and friends (about a 4-hour drive), whether they wanted to go or not!

The most heart-breaking thing that I've ever been through was dragging them, crying and fighting, into my car and locking them in so I could take them to their mother's... If I hadn't I'd have been back in court, and probably jailed for disobeying the judge :(

Once they'd been living at the other end of the country for a while I got worried, they kept telling me that they hadn't been to school (50 yards from their mother's house), I started making enquiries and found out that they were making perhaps 50% attendance at best, their teachers were concerned at how unhappy they were, were concerned their mother wasn't an "adequate" parent - and still the courts wouldn't even consider my worries.
About 8 weeks after they'd been moved away, their mother decided they should live with me (you might think that she had what she wanted: a home that was paid for, maintenance, the car I'd paid for...)

I was *delighted* to have 'em back, they were even more delighted to be back, and I wouldn't change that decision for the world, even though it's been a hell of a struggle coping with the kids on top of an arduous job, and we've been broke ever since - their mother hasn't seen fit to work in 7 years as she has no incentive, and without a job she doesn't have to pay any child support! Were she a man, no doubt she'd be a "deadbeat dad"...

I'll admit it's been hard, being both father and mother to 'em, and my g/f (now almost their stepmother?) and my daughter don't get on as well as I'd like, but I've had the privilege of seeing them grow into confident, secure young adults and make a good start on their lives (my son's at college and doing as well as teenage guys ever do, daughter's at university studying law) - What more could I ask for?

Kit, you ask how someone could do "that to his own flesh and blood" - the answer may be that unknown to you he was pressured into it, he may just be a deadbeat (I know my kids' mother falls into that category), I don't know, the important thing to remember is that it's *not your fault*, and you have a life of your own to make the most of :) Shannon, that goes for you too, you're the one more trustworthy than all of the Buddhas and sages, your future (and your daughter's) is in your own hands.

A poem I love: http://www.artofeurope.com/larkin/lar2.htm - but ignore the last line ;)

LL&P,
Dave

P.S. I've noticed a trend lately, that kids brought up by their dads (well, dads who can manage to do it!) seem to fare better than those brought up by mothers who have their own agendas and use 'em as weapons to get at their fathers - YMMV, just what I've seen from my POV

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Permalink Reply by Cookenstein on April 14, 2009 at 3:01pm

I will probably say this poorly, so please bear with me..I was 10 when my parents divorced. My sister was 5. They both tried, I believe to make things as good as possible for the two of us, while I leave out alot of grey and bad things we grew up with, I will say that but for many years, I hated my mom, thinking she was the cause, and into my late teens early 20's she finally had told me some things my Dad never had. It's always good to get both sides of the story.

It has taken years, and many acupuncture sessions to deal with this inside. Also, the years prior to their divorce as well. I can't explain why people do what they do.
I can only imagine your father never set out with the intentions or plans of hurting you. When people get married at certain ages of their lives, they are not as prepared as they think to deal with the things in their paths. This leads to decisions you could never fathom, nor know why they respond the ways they do. I have found that judging my parents over the things I had no control over as well to face between them was not the helpful way to go. Holding over them, and carrying the bitterness with me, too was no good.

There are things that have to be let go of, and judging them is simply not correct, nor fair. You cannot know how you would have done given the same set of circumstances, nor do you probably know all of your fathers circumstances at the time. While I am not supporting the way you were treated at all. I am simply saying that he is likely paying for your pain in way's you'll never know. And hopefully you never will have to know. You are able to express these incredibly brave and heartfelt feelings here among some friends of sorts, and this is a good outlet I have found. Alot of people here do alot of good.

I wish for you all of the best life has to offer, and hope that in time your feelings and wounds will heal. RC

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Permalink Reply by Kitarina on April 15, 2009 at 8:56am

Shannon I understand you completely. Dave.H & Renderedcook, both of you have your points but sadly my father is truly an unkind man. He tried to take my grandparents house away on them! He cheated on my mother and abused me and my sister! I'll never be the same again from his abuse!!! Sorry but not all men can be kind like you two.

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Permalink Reply by Cookenstein on April 16, 2009 at 3:27pm

Hi Kitarina, there are some things that I should just know when to leave well enough alone. I think here on GEEKS we read these life stories and while some important details might be missing from them in the beginning, we kind of take what is there and try to shape it around our own experiences not fully understanding the magnitude of what a person has really faced. In your case, I probably did not read or pay attention to the words, because all I can say is I am sorry for the comments I'd made. You are so right, there are some people out there that need to be cast off on an island all their own at the very least. They do not deserve human care.

For they care not themselves of others one bit. There is no level or way in which I can console you for the pains you must have experienced and still carry with you. I can only hope and say that maybe someday you can be free from it, and enjoy your life ahead, as this is past. My deepest apologies, and best wishes to you. RC

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Permalink Reply by Ice2642 on April 16, 2009 at 10:27pm

I understand all you ppl.

but the live is one.

you can not change that happens, but you can make your future.

If you lost your father, look for he, I am surre you will be wellcome!

If you loose your chields, look for he, I am surre they will be very happy!

The future is in your hands, just depends you make a happy or bad end of this history.

And nothing, nothing is impossible when you want much!

BR

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Permalink Reply by Kitarina on April 17, 2009 at 9:09am

Renderedcook: I understand where you are coming from, do not worry. You did not hurt my feelings, you didn't know the full story so fear not. You are still a friend and friends can be forgiven :)

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Permalink Reply by Streetking on April 17, 2009 at 10:06am

hey kit, yeah, my dad walked out about three years ago, i was then 14, it really hurt, especially my mom and sisters, but even through the divorce process, my dad stayed close to us, even tho my mom didnt want me too, i wanted to see him as much as possible, and now im living with him, i think what im trying to say is that not all parents say they love their children, when they really dont, im really sorry that that happened to you,

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Permalink Reply by Sara on May 5, 2009 at 1:42am

My father is the spawn of the devil. My parents married right out of high school, they were married for 15 years. I have only learned about most of this stuff because I'm very inquisitive and constantly nagged my mother about certain aspects of when they were married. My father was emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive to my mother their entire marriage. My father loved to physically, emotionally, and I also think sexually abuse my brother, the middle child. When we were very young kids 2-5yrs old, he liked to experiment on us while we were sleeping, example: he used to dip our hands in different tempertured water to see the result. I was always the lucky one, when I was five me and my came in and I remember walking into my brother's room and seeing him and my dad standing on the bed bouncing up and down and my dad was hitting him and yelling at him about something, my mother finally had enough and called the cops and had to take my brother to the ER cause his face was so badly beaten in. He was only in jail 30 days. My mother had never been allowed to work unless we could come with her so she had got a low paying job at a daycare center. She supported us through the years by sometimes working up to three jobs at a time, we always had food on the table and shoes on our feet, and she tried to give us what we wanted, of course more often than not falling short. My brother suffering from anger issues steming from my father's abuse spent some time in a psych institution and it hard on my mother that she had to put him there sometimes, it wasn't only for his anger I think he was also suicidal, he was only 11. My father paid child support , but never helped out in any other way even though he's a respitory therapist and makes good money. Because of what my father did to my brother I often suffered at his hand while home, he was very abusive towards me and one time tried to molest me, I was strong for my age and luckily was able to fend him off, I forgive him for that even though he will never ask for forgiveness, he feels he doesn't deserve it. I grew up being terrified of my home when my mother wasn't there. He now is 28 and doing well in life and just got married to a wonderful girl, I love him for overcoming so much in his life. Going back to my father, starting at the age of about 6 he would leave me in stores if I was not ready to go, this made me grow up fast, being a 6 yr old alone in Wal-mart cause your father purposely left you there was always fun, ha. My mother had full custody but never refused to let us see our father but only if we wanted to. I was still at the age where father could do no wrong so mom always made sure we had change for the pay phone if he decided to up and leave us. in 97 he married a wonderful woman, i loved as if she were a second mom, she was kind and compassionate and never said a mean word to anyone. she was diagnosed with breast cancer shortly after they were married, within a year my father had moved out because according to him, "her new medication made her irritable." I found out from her in 2003 that he had become like a caged animal when she got sick, just pacing for hours in the living room with that stare you see on all the cats at the zoo. I also found out he had never told her anything about abusing ely or really any truth about his past. About 2001 I found out he had asked her for a divorce cause she could no longer work and he didn't want her going through all his money, she's catholic and so refused. In 2004 she died alone in her house, I miss her dearly and blame him for her death. In 2002 I got kicked out of school got charged with an MIP and my mom gave me the choice of moving out on my own or going to live with my best friend and her family and going to school there, it was just the city over. Because I wasn't allowed to have a car any more because I was in trouble my parents had to take me to work. It was most often my father cause his working hours agreed with the schedule. After I moved in with my friend's family he stopped calling, he never sent a card for xmas or bdays, the only time I saw him was when he took me and picked me up from work and he would never talk to me, even though he's a very talkative guy. The winter of 2002 was the last time he ever deserted me again. I had grown up and out of the delusion i held of him being a loving father. He deserted at work and left stranded in the freezing cold, luckily I convinced the guard to let me back in to make a phone but had to bum change off of three different people to use the pay phone. My mother came to pick me up and she arrived right as was returning, saying he had went to the gas station to see if ihad gotten a ride from someone, he had been gone an hour and I could almost spit and hit the gas station. I left him sitting in the parking lot and didn't talk to him for almost five years. I had once called in the beginning of my senior year to tell him I was doing good and going to school, he said uh huh and hung up. I sent an invitation to him for my graduation and ended up crying at my graduation because I thought he hadn't shown but my mother had seen him but he never came and talked to me, he never knew I knew he was there. See to understand why he was there you have to know some facts. I was joining the military right of high school and he would have to continue paying child support if I didn't graduate, he was only there to make sure he didn't have to pay anymore money. When he finally contacted me in 2007 i told him how it was going to be and i was setting the rules now and if he wanted a relationship with me he would have to play by them. He never really calls me and thats fine and when he does call he will say about two sentences and tell me has to run cause he's very busy. I understand the constant need to fill the father figure hole in me, and tend to latch on to men, as friends only, that make me feel safe and happy. I sometimes wish though that he had deserted us when my parents had divorced, but i also know all the crap i went through growing up because of him made me who I am today, a strong, independent, successful, happy woman. That is my victory.

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Permalink Reply by Typicalexbf on May 5, 2009 at 6:42am

I'm the absolute worst authority on this since I hate fatherhood. I don't hate many things, but out of the few that I hate, he is on that short list. I can say without stuttering that I believe parenthood as a whole to be a sham. Of course that is openly biased, but it is about the only answer I am comfortable with on a personal level.

Don't plan to have any children, I have very low family values (except for mom/brother)

About the only thing good he has done for me is make me independent by choice. I prefer to do things on my own, and even when I need help with something I'd rather figure it out on my own.

So if you find yourself overly independent, be proud of it and use it to your advantage. I promise you it will come in handy in your future.

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Permalink Reply by Dan on July 5, 2009 at 1:12pm

Wow, sad stories here. I can tell you from experience women can be just as evil as men in these situations, and just as often. My wifes and my parents both split after she and I left our homes. My Dad was a deadbeat and her mom was the bitch from hell until the day she died just recently. My wifes mom beat her senseless at least once a week as child. She SHOULD have walked out, but Dad didn't even know this was going on. My mom was a grand lady so she was a saving grace for the both of us, my wife literally adopted her as her own mom.

The important thing here is that life goes on, you pick up and make new from where you are at, it is YOUR choice to make the decision to do so. Yes, there is hurt, the wondering 'why', bewilderment, but this can all be overcome and dealt with. My wife and I were in our 30's when we decided to never let our bad childhoods and bad parenting haunt us, but to make sure this would never happen to OUR family that we made together, that we would be so much BETTER then they were. We set out on a quest to be better parents then where we came from, and today I'm happy to report we have been married 34 years, two wonderful and responsible kids, daughter 27 and son 25.

Things CAN be changed, but it is up to YOU to change them, never dwell or live in the past, what's done is done and can not be changed, only dealt with. Turn the bad to good by taking control of your own life.

One more thing, forgiveness is mandatory, for without it, you will never feel complete and you will never have real peace. remember, none of this is your fault, you are not to take the blame.

I could tell you pages of stories of Mom's and Dads walking out on their kids just from personal experience with the people I work with. Its a sad hellish fact of life, but we each have our things to deal with, some people are unable, some don't want to, some don't know any better.
Dan

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